I Don't Have A Perfect Marriage

 

 From the outside looking in through the social media windows of Facebook and Instagram, people would assume I have the perfect marriage. My husband and I are so “cute” together and you see us on many date nights and doing lots of traveling.  And… I’m a certified relationship coach, so my marriage must be perfect, right? Wrong! The fact of the matter is no marriage is 100% perfect 100% of the time

Why am I sharing this you ask? Because I know there are so many women out there that compare their marriage to the marriages they see on social media. How do I know this? Because in past relationships, I would compare my relationship with the couples I envied on social media.  Maybe you’re not comparing your relationship to those on social media, but you are comparing your relationship to that couple you guys both hang out with, right? I’ve been there, done that too. You are envious of the way he treats her, the stuff they have and the things they do together. I get it. Here’s the thing- I don’t care what couple you are comparing yourself to, their relationship is not always rainbows and butterflies!

 

I absolutely adore my husband. He’s my best friend and I can talk to him about anything and everything. He does treat me well...very well!  He even spoils me with gifts on occasion. He is supportive of all of my endeavors and always lets me know I am loved, but we have our bad days just like anyone else. Not buying it because we are so cute on “social media’?

Let me break it down for you:

Kid Stuff:

My husband and I don’t always agree on how my 14-year-old son should be disciplined. This, my friends, used to be a huge issue for us. There we times where it would cause us to go a day without speaking. This is where being a coach came in handy. I was able to use my coaching skills on myself and my hubby. It worked! We were able to work together to create a resolution. Don’t get me wrong, we still have our moments, but we are able to resolve the issues without a fight.

June of 2017:

I can’t go into too much detail here because this story will be in my memoir. Yep, sorry you gotta wait for the book! However, I can tell you that my husband and I experienced something that would have caused many couples to get a divorce. It was bad and for a moment there I didn’t know that we would make it. However, this is how I know I truly love him and he loves me, because we did make it.  Though, I will tell you the “old” me, prior to learning to love myself and certifying to be a coach, would have left him. It was bad and one of the all-time worst experiences in my life. True Love does conquer all!  I will say this- if you’re having a moment in your marriage, if you both truly love one another you can move past it.

PMDD:

 I have PMDD. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.  This means for two weeks I am a different person. Now, I have learned to control my PMDD. I don’t lash out or go through severe depression or anything the way many women do during their “PMDD” time. However, most months for one-two weeks I become a little more distant, I like to keep to myself, I am not as affectionate, and sometimes sex goes right out the window. My husband deals with this... Every. Single. Month. Again, true love conquers all.

 

I just gave you some examples of how my marriage is not perfect, but the thing is, it’s perfect for me and that’s all that matters.  Not only do I love my husband, but I am in love with my husband. With that being said, “perfect” is a matter of perspective.

 

There is a difference between a healthy balance of imperfections in a relationship/marriage and being in an unhealthy relationship/marriage. Please don’t justify being in a super- unhealthy relationship by telling yourself “ No relationship is perfect.” Not sure if you’re in a healthy relationship? (Deep down I think you know) Let me break in down for you.

 

Here are some traits of a healthy relationship:

 

  • Respect, You and your spouse always show respect for one another. When you’re together and when you’re apart. You don’t ever bad mouth your spouse to others and there is no name calling.

 

  • Honesty.  You keep it real with your spouse at all times, even if it hurts.

 

 

  • Communication. Neither you nor your spouse are afraid to say what you need to say. (Respectfully of course!) You understand there will be differences and you work through those by communicating in a healthy manner with the utmost respect.

 

 

  • You can be yourself around your spouse. 100%. You don’t don’t feel the need to be something you are not!

 

  • You are not co-dependent. You can do things on your own on occasion without the other.

 

    • You are a team. You work together to resolve issues, household chores, kid stuff and anything else that may arise. You work together, not against one another.

 

  • You don’t play tit for tat! (Tit for tat is for kids! ) Meaning, you don’t keep score.

 

“ I did this, so you should do that.” or “ I am not doing that because you did this.”




I could go on and on and give you several more examples, but I think you get the point. If you see most of the traits above showing up in your marriage, it’s safe to say your marriage is perfect for you. If a couple of them are missing, you may need a few simple tweaks. For example, if you are comparing your relationship to others as I mentioned earlier, you need to cut that shit out!!! Minor turbulence in a marriage is completely normal.  Remember rainbows come after rain showers and storms.




















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