Lately, I’ve noticed old triggers and insecurities resurfacing. Initially, I tried to ignore them. However, I’ve been triggered three times in one month by the same thing. The first time it happened I said to myself “ What the hell was that?” The second time it happened I thought to myself “ You are a certified life and relationship coach, you are not supposed to be triggered by these things!” The third time I thought “ OK, what the fuck is really going on?”
To give you a better understanding I am going to share my triggers with you.
A few weeks ago my husband and I went to the gym. After the gym, we hit The Protein House to grab breakfast. We walked in. Ordered our food. My husband grabbed us a table, and I ran to the restroom. As I was walking out, I noticed two young women,( late twenties-ish) standing near the counter looking at the menu contemplating what to order. Of the two, it was one who triggered my old insecurity. She was stunningly beautiful, long dark brown hair, full lips, great body, an olive complexation and big boobs; boobs that were very exposed! She was wearing short denim shorts and a white midriff top that was low cut. My first thought, was “ My husband had to of checked her out because she’s right up his alley in the looks department.” I then got this overwhelming sense of feeling old and unattractive. I finally made my way to the table, I was so distraught that when my food came, I barely even ate it. I tried to converse with my hubby, but couldn’t focus because I was waiting in anticipation for his eyes to wander towards the candy! I mean how could they not?
That day, I had to coach myself back to a place of self-love and blamed it on my PMS. I chalked it up to Aunt Flow being on her way.
We were eating dinner at a local sports bar with some friends that were visiting from out of town. We were sitting at a table facing the entrance of the bar. I looked up to see a red Range Rover pull in the parking spot right in front. The driver gets out, who just happened to be a brunette with her long dark hair in a side braid. Black yoga pants and a black tank. She had nicely toned arms, and GIANT full boobs, that you can tell she purchased, but hey they’re hers! Of course my husband and I both noticed her as she walked in. Just like the time at the Protein House, I got this extremely uncomfortable feeling of not feeling attractive or good enough. I could no longer focus on the conversation with my our friends because I was too busy watching my husband out of the corner of my eye the remainder of our time there. I was just waiting to tally up how many times he looked her way!
When we left I thought to myself “ What the fuck is the matter with you, get it together you are being ridiculous.”
My husband and I went to our introductory class at the Pilates studio. It was a very small class, my husband and I, a teenage girl and then walked in another women. A tiny blonde, that had full face of makeup on and her hair down. She wasn’t the type my husband finds attractive, but I was triggered again. It wasn’t as bad as the two above, but that initial moment when she arrived, I felt frumpy and slightly uncomfortable because I was the biggest one out of the women. However, the feeling subsided quite quickly.
On the way home, my husband and I were talking about how much we liked the class. He mentioned the blonde, something about her name. That gave me the opportunity to chime in and take the conversation a completely different direction. I said, “ Yep, when you attend classes by yourself you will be surrounded by women.” He said, “ I don’t care about that.” And out it came “ You’ve been checking out women a lot lately, mores than usual,” I said. His response “ That’s not true, I check out people in general, and I never check out women thinking, oh damn I want that.” We quickly ended the conversation. I wasn’t upset, and I know what he said is true. The problem wasn’t him, it was me. Something was going on with me.
My husband never checks out women in a disrespectful manner, nor does he ever make me feel disrespected. As a matter of fact, everywhere we go, he says “ How did I get so lucky to be with the hottest chick here” He has never once made me feel he has eyes for anyone, but me. I, however, have made myself feel that way.
Sharing this with you isn’t easy. It’s a little embarrassing and very uncomfortable. I share this with you because I know when we share our truth, and expose our vulnerabilities we help others. I know you many of you women reading this can relate to everything I said and have been in similar situations like the above. You may not ever admit it, but at least you know you’re not alone in these moments of insecurity. The fact of the matter is as women, we experience these moments more often than we would like to admit.
So here’s what I discovered, while using my coaching skills on myself. The above three instances weren’t the only issues. If I am being sincere, the past two-three months I have been in funky -funk -town. In a place that isn’t really me. Not “the me” I have been since learning to love my self-love.
I have been quick to judge myself and sometimes others. I have been easily offended. I have been taking things personally and being extremely hard on myself. I have caused myself confusion, I have eaten my emotions at times, and I have been on a non-stop roller coaster ride, leading me into a constant state of uneasiness.
According to Tony Robbins and Human Needs psychology. When the human needs that we most value aren’t being met, it will throw us way off kilter. If you haven’t read about the human needs psychology or listened to Tony talk about it, I highly recommend you do. I took his class, which is why I was able to help myself.
There are 6 human needs. Certainty, uncertainty, love, contribution, personal growth, and significance. All humans need all of these needs met in some way, shape or form. However, we all differ with the needs we most value. You can take a test online to determine what your most important needs are. I post the link below.
They say that most have two needs that they most value, for me, I have three that rank the same. Contribution, personal growth, and significance. Those needs have not been met, the past few months. Hence- the train wreck I’ve been and my behavior.
The funny thing is most of it has to do with career and finances. My coaching career is taking a little longer to get up an running that I had anticipated. There’s been a lot of trial and error and lots of money that’s gone down the drain. I haven’t made one cent thus far by coaching. No to mention, I have compared myself to others who are where I want to be in the coaching/ self-help world. In the meantime still having to work a commission based career that I love, but is extraordinarily stressful and keeps me on edge. Putting all of our household finances on my husband. Let me break it down for you
In my career, my podcast hasn’t reached as many people as I would like ( not yet anyway), I am on hold with my course creation due to finances. My following isn’t the vast number I would like. And real estate deals are few and far between, and when they are going they are stressful as fuck! All of these things are directly related to my human needs.
That’s where my mindset has been. So it’s not so much my body and my age that cause me to freak out when a beautiful woman is in the same vicinity as my husband and I. It’s that my most valued human needs are out of whack! I haven’t “made” it in my coaching business yet. ( personal growth and significance) I am not contributing to the finances in our household, and am at a standstill at the moment of moving forward with some things in my business. ( contribution, and significant)
Talk about an A-HA moment! Because I can tell you if my human needs were being met, those freak-outs I told you about earlier, would have never happened.
The good news is now that I know what the issues are. I can fix it, and you can fix whatever challenges you’re experiencing as well. Here are some tools that I used to help me get back on the right path.
I recommend taking the human needs test asap! As soon as your done reading this or pause your reading, open a new tab and take the damn test! It’s a must!
When Insecurities Surface:
*Breathe, don’t lash out at someone because “you” are having a moment. As I mentioned above, I used to do this, and you only end up feeling like an idiot. So, practice self-control mama!
* Awareness, being aware of what triggered the insecurity is the first step. Ask yourself “What is it that I am feeling and why am I feeling this way?” If you’re out in public when your insecurity strikes, you may have to wait to do this step. However, as soon as you can grab a pen and paper; write down what it is you were feeling and why. Writing it down helps bring clarity to the situation.
* Now that you have a full understanding of what your insecurities are, how they’re triggered, and what human needs you value most, it’s time to put in some work. It’s time to take action. If you don’t nothing will change, and you will end up miserable. Life is too short to be miserable!
If you need help implementing action steps email me. I thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read my blog. You’re the best!
Here’s the link to take the Six Human Needs Test: http://six-human-needs-test.herokuapp.com
Wanna join a girl tribe where you can talk all about relationships, self-love and marriage? Join my facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/rockinrelationships101/
Over Memorial Day weekend I had a moment where I mistook my emotions and took them out on my husband/relationship. Yes, me the relationship coach! Being a relationship coach doesn’t mean I don’t have moments because I will be the first to tell you- I absolutely have moments! I’m getting ready to share one of them with you.
This past Saturday my husband and I were sitting in our living room trying to come up with something to do for the day, as it was a holiday weekend and we were both off. As we were sitting there, I had a moment where I thought to myself, “Our relationship is so boring sometimes. It’s a holiday weekend, we should be camping, boating, going to BBQ’s, etc.. Instead here we are sitting here twiddling our thumbs trying to come up with something to do with only one another again.” I started slipping down the slope to Negative Nancy Land. I even told my husband that we really needed to get some “couple” friends. I quickly realized what I was doing and gave myself a quick pep talk.
We decided to go on a hike, and then to the gym. Between the gym and the hike I felt much better. I was back in happy land.
The next day (Sunday), as I sat and drank my coffee during my morning quiet time, I reflected on the emotions I felt the previous day. That lead me to thoughts of Labor Day weekend 2010.
If you look at these photos from Labor Day 2010 it appears to have been a great day. Don’t get me wrong, part of the day was awesome. However, what you don’t see in the photos is the day turned into a complete disaster. What you don’t see in the photos is the fact that I was an unhappily married newlywed. Yep, that’s right -I was a month in as a married woman and I was fucking miserable. Things that happened later that day made it even worse.
You see, my husband at the time decided to drink himself into a stupor. When we sat down to eat, he couldn’t even keep his head up, he kept dozing off and then PUKED everywhere. He then stood up and proceeded to puke all over my friends patio and then trampled through her house with puke all over his shoes. Good times… I eventually got him in the car, but he was being such a dick that I had to let him out on the side of the road. Keep in mind this whole time, his two kids were in the car. I had to get them home to their mother and explain to her why they were home already.
I went back to the party to pick up my kids. When I arrived my best friend asked me if I had got him home. I told her I had to let him out on the side of the road. Now, with her being my voice of reason, she said “Natasha, you can’t leave him on the side of the road!” So… she and I got back in the car and found him right where I left him passed out in the grass. We got him in the car and back home. He crashed on the couch.
I took my best friend back to the party, apologized to the rest of my friends for my husband’s behavior and went home. Emotionally exhausted, I went to bed even though it was only 6pm. I woke up around 9pm to discover my husband was gone! He had gone back to the party and was drinking again!
Why am I telling you this story? (I’m getting there, patience grasshopper) Thinking back on that day- it was my girlfriends that got me through it. As a matter of fact, they got me through years and years of bad relationships. Especially my best friend Christina.
My best friend Christina died in 2014. She was like my sister. If I’m being honest, I haven’t bonded with anyone as I did Christina. Don’t get me wrong, I have dear friends that I love and adore. However, most of them live in different states.
Back to 2010 for a second…
My ex-husband and I always had something to do. We had our couple friends we would often hang out with and we did all types of fun stuff together. We also had his biker family that we would go riding with as a group, and there were always lots of parties and events. Between the two, we always had something “fun” planned. However, what we did not have was a healthy marriage. Truth be told, oftentimes I was miserable when it was just him and I. What I did have was a group of girlfriends.
I have come a long way from the woman I was back in 2010 and let me tell you it did not happen overnight. However, I have grown as a person. The thing is when we grow as individuals, our life changes as we evolve. Things we once enjoyed, we may no longer enjoy. Friendships we used to have may no longer serve us in a healthy way. Friendships, hobbies, career, relationships and the way we parent all change! This is a good thing, but learning how to navigate this change at times can be challenging.
Growing comes with learning curves for sure. I have found now that I am happily married and an entrepreneur, friends from the past really want nothing to do with me, but if I’m being completely honest it probably goes both ways. Not because we don’t ‘like” each other, but because we no longer have anything in common.
Being an entrepreneur is exciting and I love building something that helps others and I am passionate about. However, it does come with a price. I spend most of my time alone, and other than my husband I don’t have anyone to share my excitement with. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished Christina was here. She would want the play by play of what’s going on with my career, and then she would start throwing out ideas. Christina and I had a healthy balance. We always bounced ideas off one another, shared equally in conversations and it just worked. She was definitely my sister from another mister!
With that being said, what happened with my husband the other day wasn’t the fact that my relationship is boring because it isn’t. The fact is that it doesn’t matter how happily married you are, female friendships are important. The problem is I’ve isolated myself and consumed myself with work. The truth is – I miss those intimate friendships that only females can provide. Something else I’ve realized is that as easy as it is for people to connect with me, it’s not easy for me to connect with others. I find that about 88% of the women I hang out with only talk about themselves. They don’t ask how I am doing or what’s going on in my life. When I do throw something out about me, they literally act as if I said nothing and revert back to talking about themselves. As I am writing, I just realized it’s because I am sending the wrong message to the universe! DUH!!! I am constantly telling my husband I don’t have any close girlfriends and I just don’t bond with anyone. Therefore, the universe keeps sending me people I don’t bond with… because that’s the vibe I am putting out there! Sometimes, I think I purposely use my coaching skills to take over the conversation, therefore they can’t ask me about “me” because I am constantly asking questions reverting back to them.
If I am being honest… Since Christina’s passing I’ve had a wall up as far as friendships are concerned. No one was getting around it, over it or under it. I’ve compared everyone to her. It’s not right, nor is it fair. It’s time to let that go and take down that wall. She will never be replaced, but it’s time to open the door and welcome true intimate friendships into my life as well as bonding with those friends that are already here and have been here.
Boom! Just like that you have witnessed part of my growth! I told you there is always room to grow.
With that being said, I am now open and ready for my Sex and The City Girlfriend Crew! Between recent self-discoveries, I realized that in order to have a happy life, everything must have balance. Meaning, as females we need those friendships. I’ve been cruising along thinking I am fine without them! That’s a fucking lie!
Lesson learned! I hope you learn from reading this. Really evaluate your emotions and ask what it is you’re really feeling before “assuming” it’s your relationship or something someone else did or didn’t do.
Thanks for reading!
Let’s talk sex… shall we? Better yet- let’s talk about the “lack” of sex in your relationship. Go grab a glass of wine or a cup of coffee because it’s about to get real! Are you ready? Ok, let’s do this… (if you have a great sex life, you can carry on- unless you want to just read for the fun of it)
Over the years I have had several conversations with different men and women who are displeased with their sex life. The sad part is that instead of fixing the problem, people resort to affairs, divorce, or just settle for an unsatisfactory sex life which in turn leads to other issues. You guys, there are so many people living life with a miserable or mediocre sex live because they just don’t communicate. We use the excuse that we don’t want to hurt our significant other’s feelings, so we say nothing. How is that working for you?
Gentlemen- let’s start with you. Here are the biggest complaints I hear from men:
“She never wants to have sex”
“The sex is boring; she just lays there”
“It’s like pulling teeth to get her to have sex”
“I don’t even bother anymore”
Guys- this is frustrating; I 100% understand. Instead of getting frustrated and doing things you shouldn’t be doing, let’s analyze the situation because if she was boring in the beginning, I am sure you wouldn’t have made it this far. I mean, that’s an age-old joke, right? Move in, get married and the sex begins to decrease significantly.
There are several things that could be going on here. Some of the common culprits of your woman not wanting to have sex with you are as follows:
- You are not providing her pleasure. To be concise… SHE DOESN’T HAVE THE “BIG O” when you guys have sex. (would you want to have sex if you weren’t?)
- The sex lasts 5 min.
- She thinks you’re boring.
- Guys- snuggling up behind us in the bed with your little surprise rubbing against our buttocks, does not constitute as foreplay.
- Romance is dead… Yes- we still want to be wooed!!!
- Not making time for her, but making time to watch sports, play sports or sitting on the couch watching TV and then wanting to come to bed and get laid… Yeah… no- that does not work for us.
Gentlemen… I can’t speak for all women, but most of us like sex, just as much as you do! Why do you think women go nuts over Fifty Shades Of Grey?(and other books/movies like it) Chances are when she comes home after watching a movie like that, you’re getting laid. But then reality sets in and she didn’t get “Fifty Shaded”. So -you’re back to square one.
Ok ladies, the gentlemen have had enough…It’s your turn.
So here’s the thing- if your man doesn’t know that he’s not satisfying you, you have to tell him! I know there are lots of thoughts formulating right now:
“I shouldn’t have to tell him- he should have enough common sense to know”
“OMG… I could never tell him that- it would hurt his feelings”
“No point in telling him, he’s not going to do anything about it”
Ladies, if you want a happy relationship, most importantly want to be satisfied, or for lack of better words “get yours too”, then you must speak up. Choose your words and your tone carefully when expressing this to your significant other, but do it!!! If you work 40 hours a week and come payday you don’t get a pay check- you would have no problem speaking up. We have no problem “speaking up” when we have a honey-do list. So… why not speak up when it comes to something that can make or break your relationship?
Maybe you are getting the “big o” but it’s become very boring and routine. So, create excitement or again “speak up”. Talk about it- let him know that you are BORED. Not saying a word about it and having “obligatory” sex is not going to go very far and you will continue to live in misery and turn into a “B Girl” (read my “B Girl” blog post to find out what a “B Girl” is) and it’s all downhill from there. Men want to feel wanted and appreciated just as much as we do. When we deny them sex or act as if it’s this monstrous chore, we do the opposite and make them feel unwanted.
We all want to feel desired and sexy and have great sex! So- communicate with your spouse and make it happen. Have date nights again- sex outside of the bedroom or even the house for that matter. Don’t skip the foreplay and get creative! Need a mood booster? Throw a Fifty Shades type movie on.
Communication goes a long way; pair that with the willingness to make things right and you will experience a total shift in your relationship.
Again, I am not a therapist, nor do I claim to be. I speak solely from past experiences and from others sharing their experiences with me.